It’s better to become better than to be bitter. At times a person will do something to your distaste. You choose your reaction – judging favorably, hate, anger, indifference in the future, spite, revenge, tolerance or love.
Deal with Your Feelings
The Torah is real. It recognizes our feelings – and knows that feelings evoked must be dealt with in a positive manner.
Choose Your Attitude
Your feelings are based upon your attitude. If you think “this is terrible what happened” you will be upset. If you think “All that Hash-m Does is for the Good” – you will have a better attitude.
The Perpetrator is and Agent of G-d / It would have happened anyway by someone else.
When we realize that a person who did us wrong is a shaliach / an agent of Hash-m / G-d – then we can be more forgiving.
It is true that that person did the act. We think that this is the process.
Adam did an act – donated $1000 – to David. So the average person will be very thankful to Adam that he gave him $1000.
It really is: David needed $1000 for Torah Day school tuition. Hash-m decided David should get $1000 for his child’s tuition. Adam wanted to support a child in a Torah Day school. Hash-m made Adam learn of David’s need and thus Adam donated $1000 to David.
In this way of thinking, David should really thank Hash-m first and then Adam. It is Hash-m who decided that he receive the $1000 – Adam was just a messenger of Hash-m. If Adam said he wants to use his $1000 for the Casino – G-d will find someone else to give David $1000. The $1000 was coming to David regardless of what Adam decided to do with his $1000.
The One who wants to do good will be given opportunities to do good and vice versa
It is called megalgelim zechut al yedey zachai umegalgelim chov al yedey chayav
מגלגלין זכות על ידי זכאי וחובה על ידי חייב
They arrange [in Heaven] a merit on those that are meritorious and They arrange [in Heaven] a debt to those are indebted.
Free Choice vs. Destiny
A person has free choice, but nevertheless, Heaven directs the reality that will come to an entitled person. A good person, who always wants to do good, will be helped by Heaven to bring into reality a kindness and good deed. Let’s say Yosef wants to give Tzedaka / charity – Heaven will help him to find a worthy person to receive his donation. Because “in the way a man wants to go he is lead.” And vice versa, if something bad should happen to someone, this messenger will be someone who already has chosen to bad in his life.
General Nero’s Dilemma
Like we find with General Nero. Nero was about to battle Jerusalem. He shot arrows in 4 directions – they all landed towards Jerusalem. He reasoned -Hash-m wants Jerusalem to fall – and He wants me to be his agent – and eventually Nero would be punished. He ran away. In the merit of running away from bad – he had a great descendant – Rabbi Meir Baal HaNess.
Our choice is on which side we will be – on the side of those entitled who want to do good in the world or on the side of the debtors who do evil in the world.
It can also mean that the person who deserves a good deed – it will be organized by Heaven – that he will receive it by a worthy person.
In any case the benefactor of good or doer of bad was just an agent of G-d. They will also be rewarded or punished – because they were the ones who actually did the job.
Don’t Blame the Messenger – Improve Yourself
Looking that the the thing was done was decreed from heaven helps us to remove our negative feelings towards the person and prompts us to ask why did this deed actually happen. The reason why Hash-m wanted you to recieve this good or difficulty may be for several reasons. You did something good – the good came back to you – or vice versa. G-d wanted to send you an opportunity to grow. Based upon the experience you went through you can choose to become better or bitter. Your choice.
Good comes back to the Good Doer
If a person does good – he will receive good – as a reward for the good he did. At times the good that he did creates a domino effect – of other people doing good – and that good eventually comes back to the good doer.
The opposite is true as well. So as a result of a negative act – at times this will have a domino effect coming back to him. In this case one should not be angry at the perpetrator – one should reflect on the act you did – that caused you to recieve the repercussions of your deed.
The 13 Attributes of G-d
A Sefer / Book written by the Kabbalist, Rabbi Moshe Cordovera – Tomer Devora / The Palm Tree of Devorah – speaks about the 13 Attributes of G-d. Each attribute describes Hash-m’s magnanimity and kindness. G-d forgives all kinds of sins for all different reasons.
Learning the Tomer Devora – and other Jewish Mussar / Self- Improvement works – like Pirkei Avot – and emulating Hash-m will help us to forgive & forget – to be magnanimous and not petty nor bitter.