I put a load in the washing machine. It would take 55 minutes to wash the wash. Wow – 55 minutes I am free to do something else. In the olden days – we would get a tub. Fill it with water. Soak the clothes, scrub on the washing board and rinse. Barukh Hashe-m, now all that is done for you. Just throw some dirty clothes in the machine – put in detergent, press the start button and voila – your clothes are clean.
So I thought – let me see if I can get some important things done before the clothes are done. Who would win – me or the washing machine. I forgot who won. But it was a way to motivate me to get something done. You can do the same thing with the water kettle – are you faster than water boiling time?
Yes – that is a little task motivator. But really – to solve a problem we have to get to the root cause. Racing your washing machine is solving the symptom.
SOLVING The ROOT PROBLEM
I think a person has to learn to stop cold turkey. You’re in the middle of reading a book. Your best friend rings you, You answer the phone. You stopped reading cold turkey to answer the phone. So now you can stop cold turkey for other things as well. Like smoking, binging, drinking. If you can stop for one thing, you probably could for something else.
So we can stop cold turkey from procrastinating as well.
How?
Let’s ask a simple question. What is the root cause of procrastination? I thought it is laziness. Well that’s not so accurate – because if you are lazy – you wouldn’t be doing something else. Procrastination apparently is related to distraction. We distract ourselves with other things when we are supposed to do something of priority.
Apparently – we have an aversion to doing the task at hand – so we do something more “fun” or more in our “comfort zone.” Why – because either we lack the self-confidence, or lack the desire or lack the happiness to do the task at hand. Those are the root causes.
So – what’s the solution. Put on a big smile – even if it is fake until you get those negative thoughts out of your mind. Then jump right into the task you are supposed to do. (see the previous Post on Be Positive and Remove Negativity)
After eating a Bread meal, we say Birkat HaMazon / Grace After Meals. If 3 men ate together one invites the others to say the blessing together – zimmun. If newlyweds are present – we say in Zimmun – “Blessed is our God, in Whose abode is joy [and] we have eaten of His bounty and through His goodness we live.”
Happiness is Where Hash-m is / Hash-m is Where Happiness is
This means that dwelling in G-d’s presence brings joy. What is the reason for happiness or sadness? It is a reaction. Generally – it is our own choice. When someone loses money – the natural reaction is to be upset. But really – we can choose to be happy. If we bring Hash-m into the equation – Who does only good – If we think – Hash-m knows why I lost that money and He has a good purpose for it – I can be happy for a supposedly negative occurrence. Be creative and you can find a positive reason for a negative occurrence.
Joy & Spiritual Pleasure
I mentioned in other posts – that the reason why people lack happiness is because of a misconception – that physical pleasure brings joy. The real equation is – spiritual pleasure brings joy. Meaning – that giving the body pleasure will not bring happiness. Giving your soul pleasure will bring happiness. What are those things that give the soul pleasure – Learning Torah, Doing Mitzvot and Doing Acts of Kindness.
The Correlation of Closeness to Hash-m and Happiness
Why? Because the real happiness comes when one is close to Hash-m. When one feels far – they may experience sadness. Sadness itself is caused by the evil inclination – to drive a person away from G-d.
Doing Mitzvot for Joy
So it seems to be a catch 22 – a MeMah Nafshach. In either case – if you are sad – you feel far from G-d. If You are far from G-d you may feel sad. What is the solution? To be happy – do kindness, learn Torah and do Mitzvot. Even something small is a great step. Even giving a dollar to a poor person is a good start. Learn 5 minutes in an English Book about Torah. Wash your hands when you get up in the morning. (Take a Large cup of water. pour on right hand, then left, then right, then left, then right then left).
It takes time to develop the joy – but pursue the path above and you will get there.
A New Concept in Removing Negativity & Being Happy
The above was an introduction to this powerful message. Torah is more powerful than therapy. (Obviously a person in need should not refrain from seeing a good therapist with a proper Torah Hashkafa / Outlook) Therapy teaches us how to cope with difficult situations. Torah does the same and gives you the tools not to fall into these emotional challenges.
Usually a therapist or a friend will tell you or teach you tools to not to be negative and then you will be positive.
That is one approach. Another approach is to push yourself to be happy – which will automatically remove the negative. Why do we do bad things – because we feel badly or badly about ourselves. If we are happy we have no desire to do bad. It’s more deep than that. Meaning – when you are happy – you become an abode for Hash-m’s divine presence. With the divine presence with you – it is automatically going to flush away negativity from your system.
This is what it may mean – that the Simha / Joy is in (Hash-m’s) abode. If you make your heart an abode for Hashem by being happy – it will automatically drive away negative thoughts, desires & sadness. Be happy by smiling, thinking positive, pushing yourself to be thankful for all you have – and that will drive away the negativity.
Avraham Avinu – our Forefather was known for kindness. When one is kind – they actively seek opportunities to do kindness. The closer the person is to you, the greater the kindness. It is more important to do kindness with child than with friend, more important to do kindness with wife/husband than than a stranger.
Sarah – the wife of Avraham – lived 127 years. In the Weekly Parasha of Chayai Sarah – Avraham comes to eulogize her and cry for her. In the Troah pasuk / verse that states this – the word for cry in Hebrew – Bokheh (or Livkotah) – is spelled with one small letter – the Khaf. In the Baal Haturim explains that Avraham did not cry so much for Sarah. One explanation is because she was an old woman.
Another possible explanation of why Avraham didn’t cry so much at her passing – is because Avraham took full advantage of her presence when she was alive. He gained from her wisdom, he did kindness with her. He connected, appreciated and empathized with her. He spent quality time with her to the fullest extent.
So when she passed way he didn’t have so many regrets that he did not do what he could have to help her – he helped her to the maximum. He didn’t regret having not spent enough time with her – he did as much as he could to connect.
Many a time – why do people cry at times of departure from another person – is because we regret. We regret – we could have gained so much more. Avraham gained as much as he could have from Sarah, so his crying was limited.
What can we learn? Let’s put our priorities straight and spend more time with family connecting – and less on distractions and social media. Judaism helps a person to connect to family and others on a deeper level daily. On Shabbat – we spend quality family time together. We interact with them at Synagogue. Daily we have opportunities to learn Torah Together.
Torah is a deep way to connect with others. The connection is more than a mere conversation – it is a connection of souls. When we connect with Torah it is a much deeper connection. Concern, Empathy, Hashkafa / Jewish Outlook and Hizuk / encouragement conversations help connection. Politics, news and vain conversations don’t really help one to connect as well as Torah.
Why was the letter Khaf small? Why not the Vet or the Hei? I presume possibly that Avraham always kept his relationship fresh. Khaf – has the numerical value of 20. It is possible that he regarded her always the same as when she was 20.
The former Chief Rabbi of Morocco – R. Aharon Monsonego – said “When you teach people about what Torah says marriage – you should teach practical things.”
Base the Marriage on Growing a Torah Family
When a couple gets married – they have many expectations and dreams. But they do not necessarily have a goal.
Some say “We love each other – that is what is most important.” Firstly is the love real love? [Rather than infatuation and love of oneself] and Secondly, If that is the case – why do many marriages fail? Apparently – one reason is they do not have central goal of building a Torah family.
So some will ask – why does it have to be that goal? Why not another goal – like “let’s raise a family that has a fun time together.” Firstly Define what is fun. Secondly – that will not prevent people from overstepping boundaries and doing whatever they consider fun – which may not be fun for the other family members.
Torah – gives us boundaries of what is acceptable. One such major boundary is what Hillel said to define the central point in Judaism – “What is hateful to you do, don’t do to others.” If that is the goal of each spouse – the marriage is surely starting out on the right foot.
2. Appreciate the Efforts of Others
People recognize the importance of appreciation, usually when they don’t receive proper appreciation. If we did put it into perspective – there are thousands of things to be appreciative about. One could make a goal of giving one compliment a day to each family member. Or two compliments a day.
If we really appreciated life – everyone would become a Torah Jew. Why? Because you could probably write a list of one-thousand things to be thankful for daily. So let’s say thanks and appreciate our family and Hash-m.
3. Focus on Giving – Not Taking
Some come into marriage expecting to be served. If one wants to take – they will find many reasons to complain. If you focus on giving – you will find many ways to do so – which helps one to have a healthy marriage.
4. Work on Middot
Marriage is one conduit for a person’s self-perfection. Our goal is to emulate Hash-m. Being magnanimous – will get you far. If one thinks that marriage is a perfect opportunity to become a better person things will change their outlook 180 degrees. What once was a terrible thing to be dishonored – becomes an opportunity to work on humility. What once was a terrible thing to be insulted – becomes an opportunity to work on not being overly sensitive. Obviously there are limits – but every encounter in life is an opportunity to express our displeasure or to grow into a more beautiful individual.
5. Have a Common Rabbi to Ask Questions.
Each couple should have a competent orthodox Rabbi in which to ask questions – when disagreements arise. In a marriage – disagreements do arise. So to have someone that has Daat Torah – will help the couple to guide the marriage in a way that is positive and a way that will create agreement – not disagreement.
People who will hear and apply – this will work. For people who will not – “You can bring a horse to water but you cant make him drink.”
It has been ten months. Ten months of shock and grief from October 7th. Ten months of fear and uncertainty for our soldiers. Ten months of horror and hope for our hostages. Ten months of exile and displacement due to threats on the Northern border. Recently, these challenges have been compounded by fears of a multi-front war instigated by Hezbollah and Iran. The feeling of fatigue and battle-weariness is palpable, yet there is also an underlying tension as if a ticking time bomb is about to explode. And then Tisha B’Av came.
Tisha B’Av, a day synonymous with calamity and brokenness, has surprisingly brought a ray of light and healing. Allow me to explain. Research by Colin Wastell in Australia shows that suppressing our emotional responses to trauma—whether through withdrawal or acting out—leads to physical and psychological stress. Trauma energy becomes trapped within us, disrupting our ability to connect with ourselves, others, and the world. The key to alleviating this is externalizing our trauma.
For the past ten months, Israel has been in a state of chronic trauma due to the war. This is challenging to heal as it leaves no room for imagining an alternative reality. Yet, through the principles of Tisha B’Av, I tapped into the three essential steps to healing complex trauma.
Space for Expression In His infinite wisdom, G-d gave the Jewish nation Tisha B’Av—a day of national mourning. This day is set aside for us to confront our brokenness. We are commanded to sit on the floor and mourn our loss and pain. This helps externalize and distance us from our trauma, creating space for healing. A friend shared that hearing the stories of the heroes from October 7th provided a language for months of pent-up emotions. It allowed her to let the pain of the past and the anxiety about the future flow through her. Ironically, thanks to the saddest day on the Jewish calendar, she experienced a profound catharsis.
Deep Connections Shortly after October 7th, Professor Danny Brom, founder and director of Herzog Hospital’s Meitav Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma, stated in a video that while not everyone requires professional help post trauma, everyone needs human connection. Trauma is an experience of disconnection, tearing us away from reality. Healing occurs through genuine human connection. This concept is echoed in Jewish wisdom: אין חבוש מתיר עצמו מבית האסורים a person cannot free themselves from jail [physical or psychological]; we need another to help us.
Vulnerable Sharing In the lead-up to Tisha B’Av, there is a strong emphasis on Ahavat Chinam (unconditional love and Jewish unity). People become more open-hearted and build deeper connections. During Tisha B’Av, individuals are also more willing to share their vulnerable experiences both personally and collectively. This combination of connection and expression creates a fertile ground for healing.
While Tisha B’Av does not erase our pain, it creates a space for expression, sharing, and fosters deeper connections, birthing the path for healing to begin. Who would have thought that so much light can be brought from such darkness?
Rivka Hadad is a mental health counselor (MHC). She works with individuals working through various mental health struggles. She specializes in trauma recovery as well as treatment of eating disorders.
Impalas are constantly exposed to life-threatening predators who are eager to devour them without a moment’s notice. At times, the predators succeed in catching the impala and delivering a ferocious blow before the impala can escape with its life. Interestingly, immediately post the attack the impala begins shaking as if in the throes of a terrible seizure. And then, they walk away as if nothing happened, without the slightest trace of post trauma effects. Through studying the impala, Peter Levine, author of The Waking Tiger describes the principle of healing and resilience. Upon experiencing a traumatic reality, our body generates immense energy due to our instinctual survival nature of fight or flight, yet we are paralyzed in the moments and the energy is trapped within. Trauma is being inhibited and weighed down by that energy, healing is through the release of that energy. The impala emerges emotionally and mentally unscathed due to their peculiar yet critical post trauma shaking, this releases all their pent up energy and allows them to live a trauma free life.
Mr. Rogers famously said, “If it’s speakable, it’s manageable.” When an experience is too painful to speak about, it’s generally due to it being an intertwined part of our narrative and how we perceive ourselves. Dysfunction is the experience of being paralyzed within a dysfunctional reality, due to the high level of negative energy that is stuck. The negative energy is so entrenched in our essence that it defines how we understand ourselves, others and the world. This leaves little space for an alternative reality. Externalizing this narrative, creates space for a reality that’s more distant from self and thereby more malleable and susceptible for it to be altered.
“The opposite of depression is expression.” This was penned by Judith Eger, A holocaust survivor who was downtrodden by her inhuman experience yet went on to become a world renowned psychologist and the author of The Choice. The key is to move through the traumatic experience through any form of expression, be it art, dance, karate, speech, writing or any other form which feels right. Finding language to release our deep angst creates a pathway to externalize our trauma and thereby beginning to heal and live.
This sounds pretty easy, just talk about or dance through the angst and you’re healed. Yet, those who’ve experienced trauma know that it’s a lot more complex. This can be understood using the traffic light. We have certain emotions and realities which are green – safe emotions that we’re comfortable experiencing and expressing. The list may include joy, satisfaction, care, anger, boredom, disappointment.
Next is yellow, these are emotions and realities that are uncomfortable, yet they’re manageable to experience and express. It may require coaching and inner work, but it’s possible to externalize these realities. This list may include love, appreciation, sadness, vulnerability, loneliness.
Last are red experiences. These realities are so painful or dangerous we can’t even admit them to others or even to ourselves. They are suppressed within, hidden from view. Yet, these realities are very alive and present and affect the way we see ourselves, the world, and others. They wreck tremendous havoc in ourselves and our relationships, yet because they have no name or form they are free to do as they wish without ever being called out. This may include hope, intimacy, jealousy, shame, self-loathing.
Emotional dysfunction is having a disproportionately larger ‘red light,’ in which emotions and life experiences are threatening and therefore suppressed. The goal is to move ‘red realities’ into the safer zones of yellow and green. Health comes from having a larger green light and a smaller red light. The goal is to move Now for the big questions, how can one tap into red realities in order to express them? For that a person needs deep safety.
Safety is the key to making even red realities hold-able so they can be seen and externalized. Building safety is both simple and deeply complicated. It’s a process that requires patience, compassion, and connection with self.
Rivka Hadad is a practicing mental health counselor (MHC) in Israel. She works with individuals working through various mental health struggles.
This week’s Parashas – Matot-Masei starts saying that everything that comes out of a person’s mouth shall be done. Do the vow you made. It can also mean, that if you are careful to do what you promise, Hashem will fulfill the words of your Mouth.
Masei talks about 42 journeys that bnei Yisrael takes going from Mitzraim – Egypt to Israel. Egypt represents materialism and depravity. Israel represents spirituality and holiness. Like each person goes through 10 trials like the Avraham, Each Jewish person also goes through 42 stages in their life similar to the challenges of the places in the Desert we went through – when we make our effort in our journey to spirituality. The fact that our ancestors already traced the path makes it easier for us to overcome our challenges in life.
Circle Magazine for Kids – published a story last week – in the Living Emuna Section by R. David Ashear – on a rabbi that needed to purchase a building for his school. He had so much faith / Emuna in Hashem – that when he needed to purchase a building – he learned a sefer all night on Emuna – Shomer Emunim – and the next day when he was walking in the street someone donated to his organization the amount needed to purchase the building. Here is a link t the book – Called Shomer Emunim – שומר אמונים – חלק א מחבר ראטה, אהרן בן שמואל יעקב, 1894-1947
At Ohr Binyamin – we are busy making new materials. Our latest project is the “You are Amazing” activity book.
It is a Positivity Magazine. “Be Positive. Love Yourself. Love Others and Smile!” A Jewish Interactivity Book – it allows one to take a more positive approach to life. It allows you to connect with children and others with KID CONNECT(tm) Questions.
It contains games, Mazes, Positive Statements and more.
It starts with them understanding the value of being on time. They learn that with how parents view time. Do they have to be on time – or getting their a little late is alright?
Getting into the rote can help. I put together a Mneumonic to help parents “BLSHKA”
B – Breakfast (Did they eat a Healthy Breakfast?) L – Lunch (Did they pack their lunch) S – Snack (Do they have a regular & Healthy snack?) H – Homework (Did they pack their homework?) K – Knapsack – (Do they have their Knapsack?) S – Attached (Are they Buckled or attached when riding to school?)
