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re: The Rabbi Connection
A good effort to make in searching for a shidduch is to contact Orthodox Rabbis of communities. They know people, and their congregants and can try to match you with someone who has what you are looking for. They also have the Torah haskafot / outlook to find someone suitable for you. You can find a list of rabbis online probably on the Ou.org website. If you are looking for a good yeshiva boy you can also call the yeshivas. if you are looking for a match from a particular background you can call Rabbis that are heads of that type of community. Ie, if you are looking for a Hungarian mate, call Hungarian congregations; if looking for Syrian call Syrian congregations etc. Google “Syrian synagogues and jewish congregations” Print out the list and call one or two a day. send them your resume and ask them when you can follow up. Following up is very important at least once every week or two. People are very busy today and they need reminders to keep you in mind.
re: Believe [in yourself] & Acheive
Intimidation is a powerful restraining element. If a person feels Intimidation by others – because they are rich, powerful, or popular – it’s normal. But it is up to us to get over it.
One person may be intimidated to call a potential donor for a worthy cause for fear of rejection. Another may shy away from dates for the same reason. One way to get over it is to think “I am a good person that has a lot to offer ___” (fill in the blank. ie, – a mate, a company, a community, etc.) Think of your positive traits. “I am ___” (fill in the blanks, – I am patient, smart, dedicated, loyal, of healthy mind, generours…). Feel confident in what you have to offer. If others don’t appreciate that – it’s their loss. If others don’t take you up on your offer – others will. It is not a reflection upon your self worth. We are all made in the image of G-d – so we all have greatness intrinsic in us. Be confident and people will have confidence in you.
re: Consistent Effort to Search
There is a nature in the world. We abide by nature but understand that everything is in Hashem’s hands.
We make an effort. it is not because of our efforts that we succeed. It is because G-d sees us making our effort He sends his blessing upon the effort made.
A good example is – a true story – a man was sporadic in searching for a marriage mate. Some weeks he would try to find a suitable date for marriage by calling contacts. Many weeks he put it on the back burner. When he decided to make a consistent effort – he was matched with his wife to be – arranged by someone who he never thought of calling for a match.
re: Preparation for Marriage
Every person has a destined mate. Thus one should never say I give up.
Apparently G-d matches people who are ready for marriage. G-d spoke to Moses to bring the people out of Egypt when He saw that Moses was a merciful Shepherd. When Moses carried the thirsty lamb on his back from watering hole – Hashem appeared to Moshe. Hashem apparently awaits a person to prepare for marriage before introducing then to the right mate. Thus if a person is untidy, they should start being more neat; a person who does not like to change diapers should make an effort to do so. This is another reason why a person should only date one person at a time. Dating only one person at a time is respectful for the other person. Doing so – as well as learning Sifrei Mussar / Torah Books on Proper behavior – gets them used to loyalty, consideration and respect of a mate. Three foundations of a good marriage.
G-d will match you with a person who is on your level. so it makes sense for a person to reinforce themselves in Torah, Middot & Mitzvot to be matched with a better mate.
re: Priorities to look for in a Mate
Rabbi Kolodetsky , the son-in-law of R. Haim Kanievsky, said in a recent shiur that one of the important traits to look for in a mate is Yearat Shamayim and mental stability. I personally think that a good Torah Haskafa – philosophy , good middot / character traits and a good family is important as well. A girl should look for a ben Torah – a person who sets time daily to learn Torah. A boy should seek a woman that will bring his children up in Torah and mitzvot and will send children to a Torah day school.
R.Kolodetsky said that if the boy is yireh shamayim / has awe of Hashem and is mentally stable the girl should not hesitate. He quoted a story about the Stipeler whose daughter was hesitant about a shidduch. The Stipeler made it clear to his daughter not to hesitate Eventually she took his advice and married the boy. It appears that Rabbi Kolodetsky was a close Talmid of the Stipler. He also mentioned the importance of saying Tehillim #121 daily particularly before completing the Amidah
re: Expected Amount of time to Answer after receiving a Shidduch resume
A rabbi mentioned that what is the expected amount of time that a person should return an answer to a shidduch once they received a shidduch resume. He said 2 days. Obviously the recipient should call references and do their homework to find out about people.
If one needs more time for reflection or research he or she should notify the sender [ie, the shadchan or match maker] to let the other party know. otherwise the other party can be justified to look for someone else.
re: Minimum Daily Effort
Someone asked a rabbi what is the minimum amount of time that a person should spend daily to find a Zivoug – soul mate. [for themselves or for their child] That it would be considered enough for proper hishtadloot – effort. He said 5 Minutes a day. If one is consistent with this effort Hashem will help him or her find the right person.