Fast Track to Getting Married – Advice

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re Don’t feel like calling? Send a reminder text

Some people shy away from calling others because they don’t want to bother them.

Firstly, most people appreciate a person reaching out for assistance. Most people will want to help others who ask for directions.

They similarly would like to help a person seeking a proper mate to found a marriage, start a family and build a Torah home based upon the respect of others, love of Hash-m and the ideals of Judaism.

If you shy away from calling – send a text to ask for a good time to speak. if they don’t answer call them up. Following up can also be done with a text but a call is preferable. You want people to remember what you asked – call or text them to follow up.

Keep notes to remember who to call back, what you spoke about and when to follow up.

re Share information With others

Each person has a unique way of dealing with things.  Each has their own ideas and resources that helped them to find a shidduch.  Some resources are successful – some are not so. Share your advice With others. if you have a tip or piece of advice, share it with them in a positive,  constructive, and tactful way. Feel free to ask advice from others as well. People usually want to help.

If there are ways that helped you,  jot them down. take notes of your progress.

re have a mentor, coach or rabbi to ask for advice

At times a match could work if each potential mate asks daat Torah. – the advice of the Torah from a person you trust. A person who you trust – who has a Torah outlook – can advise  you on what is important and what is secondary. what to say and what not to say.  they can serve as an intermediary to calm the questions of each side to make the match work.

re: Finding Congregations and Rabbis to call to Network to find shidduch opportunities

Google allows you to search one particular site for keywords. You do this by putting in Google search:
for instance if you want to search the site for the word  “marriage”, you would enter in Google search page field:
“marriage” has list of orthodox congregations in the world.

To search it for Hungarian congregations on Google you would do a Google search thus:


you can replace Hungarian with Sefardic, sephardi, ashkenaz, edut mizrach, Moroccan, yemenite, iraq, Lebanese, persian, etc.

Once you get the list:

open each reference in a new tab.  (ctrl-click)
and then contact the rabbi by calling or email to see if they have anyone in his congregation that meets your needs or requirements for a mate. keep notes on each call about what you spoke about and when to call back.

Ask them when you can follow up as well. And be sure to follow up. people are busy and they need a reminder of what you asked them once in a while. People usually want to help – especially rabbis.

if you are concerned about their time, you can ask them if is a good time to talk now. call them back if you don’t get through the first time.

re: Dont Give Up Hope. It’s Never Too Late.

G-d helps those who help themselves. Pray for yourself. Pray for others. Help yourself.  Help others to find a suitable match for marriage.

In the Torah it says “a person who prays for others and needs the same thing Hashem will answer him first.”

Be positive. Believe in yourself. Believe in Hashem. Believe it and you will receive it. Believe it will be good and it will be good.

re: Help yourself and others

#11G-d helps those who help themselves. Pray for yourself. Pray for others. Help yourself.  Help others to find a suitable match for marriage.

In the Torah it says “a person who prays for others and needs the same thing Hashem will answer him first.”

Be positive. Believe in yourself. Believe in Hashem. Believe it and you will receive it. Believe it will be good and it will be good.

re: Social Media Advice for the Marriage Minded – #10

Just like with a simple face to face conversation, you find out good things and where a person’s head is – so is true by social media. Two aspects to consider are your own usage in the eyes of others and the usage of a prospective mate in your eyes.

Relying on Photos – a Caveat

Today it is easy to get information on people. Some people hear of a prospect match and reject dates because of a photo. That may not be prudent because meeting a person gives a much more accurate idea of the person. Also the picture you see may not be a good picture of that person.

Some peruse pictures – searching for a match. It much is more lucrative to call Rabbis to seek someone that has similar hashkafot / Torah outlook and values, good middot / character traits, and aspirations – than to waste time perusing photos. You marry a personality not a picture.

Are You a FB Person

Whether the person uses Facebook or not already gives an indication about the person. Non usage may indicate their refraining from technology to avoid temptation or being involved in things more productive or in more productive relations with actual people – rather than with a computer screen.

It might be better to avoid social media – like it says in Pirkei Avot (1:17):

The Value of Silence & Action

17. Shimo’n, his son, says: All my life I grew among the [Torah] sages & I found nothing better for the body than silence. And that learning is not the priority rather it is the [putting it to] action [that is the priority] & whoever who is excessive in words brings [upon themselves] transgression.

It’s not for nothing that people take the fifth in court.

Be careful what you post.
Usage of social media reveals people’s views and personality.  A person’s home page pictures reveals their interests. I know people who lost Job and shidduch / potential matches opportunities because of what they posted on the social media.  Over-usage of social media also tells about a person.  People might think – doesn’t this person have better things to do than posting constantly their political views, selfies, etc. Be careful what you post. It might come back against the person.

Some have to give their opinions on every news item. If that’s you,  then it might be time to do a self evaluation of your attitude and your posts – and work on improving both. Perhaps in expressing your opinions, people are forming a non-flattering opinion about you. If one has a very critical attitude – people might shy away from introducing you to others. People shy away from critical people. If one’s hashkafot – Torah outlook – are controversial – that also may also be a turn off for prospective mates with a good hashkafa.

Relevance of information.
The time of the post might also help you to decide how relevant is info. For instance if you see a post from a person’s teenage years – it may or may not reveal what their interests are today.


re: Consistent Effort & Success

In this week’s Parasha – Va’et’hanan – Moses prays 515 prayers to Hashem to allow him to enter the Land of Israel. G-d stops him and saying that’s enough. Don’t continue your prayers.  G-d knew if Moshe  would enter, there would be disastrous repercussions. Thus he told him to stop praying. Meaning if Moshe prayed 516 times he would receive what he wanted.

To receive what a person wants he or she needs consistent prayer & effort. To become wealthy both are needed.

Rabbi Shimshon Pincus, zt”l said as a child, his mother told him if he took his vitamins he would become big and strong. So immediately after talking a vitamin, he would run to the mirror to see if his muscles grew. We understand that for  vitamins to have effect we take them consistently. For us to succeed in most endeavors we make a consistent effort.

In the Talmud [Hullin 84b] it teaches how to make money and lose it. How does one lose his father’s inheritance? Wear [expensive] linen garments,  drink from [expensive] glassware and hire workers and don’t sit with them [ie, supervise them]. Letting a store function on its own is a recipe for losing money. A serious concerted effort is required to succeed – in business and in finding the right mate.

Make a small effort to start the momentum.  Each call becomes easier.

re: Be Happy and pleasant on Date

A person dating wants to make a good first impression. On a date dress up. It is good to be conservatively elegant in dress. No jeans, sneakers and the like. If you expect your date to dress up, wear a suit. Be clean, have clean, ironed clothes and be presentable. it is too bad to lose an opportunity by being sloppy. On the other hand if a date doesn’t dress to your liking it is not a reason to reject them.  Clothes can be changed, it’s more difficult to change middot / character traits.

On a date be pleasant. Don’t talk about politics or controversial things.  You want to find out if the person before you will properly bring up your children in the Derekh / path of the Torah. You want to find out if you can maintain a positive relationship together.  Your date is not your chevruta / study partner. They are not your psychiatrist. They are not here for you to express your opinions or problems.  Speaking about your problems might scare a person off. They might think “I have enough of my own problems. Why do I need to add more by marrying this person.” Try to start solving your problems before you get married.

Be positive. Present confidence and self esteem. Be humble not boastful. Don’t degrade yourself. Try to maintain a light conversation interspersed with small divrei / words of Torah. Be yourself.

re: The Rabbi Connection

A good effort to make in searching for a shidduch is to contact Orthodox Rabbis of communities. They know people, and their congregants and can try to match you with someone who has what you are looking for.  They also have the Torah haskafot / outlook to find someone suitable for you. You can find a list of rabbis online probably on the website. If you are looking for a good yeshiva boy you can also call the yeshivas. if you are looking for a match from a particular background you can call Rabbis that are heads of that type of community. Ie, if you are looking for a Hungarian mate, call Hungarian congregations; if looking for Syrian call Syrian congregations etc. Google “Syrian synagogues and jewish congregations” Print out the list and call one or two a day. send them your resume and ask them when you can follow up. Following up is very important at least once every week or two. People are very busy today and they need reminders to keep you in mind.

re: Believe [in yourself] & Acheive

Intimidation is a powerful restraining element. If a person feels Intimidation by others – because they are rich, powerful, or popular – it’s normal. But it is up to us to get over it.

One person may be intimidated to call a potential donor for a worthy cause for fear of rejection. Another may shy away from dates for the same reason. One way to get over it is to think “I am a good person that has a lot to offer ___” (fill in the blank. ie, – a mate, a company, a community, etc.) Think of your positive traits. “I am ___” (fill in the blanks, – I am patient, smart, dedicated, loyal, of healthy mind, generours…). Feel confident in what you have to offer. If others don’t appreciate that – it’s their loss. If others don’t take you up on your offer – others will. It is not a reflection upon your self worth.  We are all made in the image of G-d – so we all have greatness intrinsic in us. Be confident and people will have confidence in you.

re: Consistent Effort to Search

There is a nature in the world. We abide by nature but understand that everything is in Hashem’s hands.

We make an effort. it is not because of our efforts that we succeed. It is because G-d sees us making our effort He sends his blessing upon the effort made.

A good example is – a true story – a man was sporadic in searching for a marriage mate. Some weeks he would try to find a suitable date for marriage by calling contacts. Many weeks he put it on the back burner. When he decided to make a consistent effort – he was matched with his wife to be – arranged by someone who he never thought of calling for a match.

re: Preparation for Marriage

Every person has a destined mate. Thus one should never say I give up.
Apparently G-d matches people who are ready for marriage. G-d spoke to Moses to bring the people out of Egypt when He saw that Moses was a merciful Shepherd. When Moses carried the thirsty lamb on his back from watering hole – Hashem appeared to Moshe.  Hashem apparently awaits a person to prepare for marriage before introducing then to the right mate. Thus if a person is untidy, they should start being more neat; a person who does not like to change diapers should make an effort to do so. This is another reason why a person should only date one person at a time. Dating only one person at a time is respectful for the other person. Doing so – as well as learning Sifrei Mussar / Torah Books on Proper behavior – gets them used to loyalty, consideration and respect of a mate. Three foundations of a good marriage.

G-d will match you with a person who is on your level. so it makes sense for a person to reinforce themselves in Torah, Middot & Mitzvot to be matched with a better mate.

re: Priorities to look for in a Mate

Rabbi Kolodetsky , the son-in-law  of R. Haim Kanievsky, said in a recent shiur that one of the important traits to look for in a mate is Yearat Shamayim and mental stability. I personally think that a good Torah Haskafa – philosophy , good middot / character traits and a good family is important as well. A girl should look for a ben Torah – a person who sets time daily to learn Torah. A boy should seek a woman that will bring his children up in Torah and mitzvot and will send children to a Torah day school.

R.Kolodetsky said that if the boy is yireh shamayim / has awe of Hashem and is mentally stable the girl should not hesitate. He quoted a story about the Stipeler whose daughter was hesitant about a shidduch. The Stipeler made it clear to his daughter not to hesitate Eventually she took his advice and married the boy. It appears that Rabbi Kolodetsky was a close Talmid of the Stipler. He also mentioned the importance of saying Tehillim #121 daily particularly before completing the Amidah

re: Expected Amount of time to Answer after receiving a Shidduch resume

A rabbi mentioned that what is the expected amount of time that a person should return an answer to a shidduch once they received a shidduch resume.  He said 2 days. Obviously the recipient should call references and do their homework to find out about people.
If one needs more time for reflection or research he or she should notify the sender  [ie, the shadchan or match maker] to let the other party know. otherwise the other party can be justified to look for someone else.

re: Minimum Daily Effort

Someone asked a rabbi what is the minimum amount of time that a person should spend daily to find a Zivoug – soul mate. [for themselves or for their child] That it would be considered enough for proper hishtadloot – effort. He said 5 Minutes a day. If one is consistent with this effort Hashem will help him or her find the right person.

When Hashem sees us making a concerted and consistent effort – obviously accompanied by prayer – He sends his blessing.

Thus we send a daily reminder for both.

Reminder: Please Take 5 minutes Now to make a call to a rabbi or to do something to bring you closer to your marriage goal. Before say a Short prayer like “Please Hashem May the efforts I make today be effective in helping me to find – by the end of the month – the best mate for me – to help me Serve You. And please help others in Klal yisrael as well. Amen” Recite Tehillim / Psalm 121.

MAY it be the Will of Hashem to bless your good endeavors with success. Amen.
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