The Salvation of Hash-m is in a Blink of an Eye. (Mei HaShiloach, Vol. II, Genesis, Miketz 1*) Meaning every moment can be a moment of salvation. Believe it will be good and it will be good. Believe it is good and you change your attitude.
Make an Intelligent Concerted Effort
How can a person get out of their rut? Decide to get out of your rut! How does a person find the right person? Make a concerted effort to get married. In Torah it says “The Finding of a proper marriage mate is challenging like the splitting of the sea of reeds.” Here are some points to make it easier.
That’s the First step – be positive. Have a positive attitude. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. People like to complain. I want to tell you my problems. You have a problem?- see a qualified orthodox Jewish psychologist – but your date should not be your shrink.
Think of it. You go on a date and of the first things they tell you is “I have this problem and this concern.” The other person is thinking – I have my own problems why do need to add others. Be positive. People like positive people.
Even once married – a man should not divulge his being degraded or insulted. The woman might end up believing that the spouse is deserving of that criticism and end up looking down on the husband. A woman wants to look up to a husband and needs to respect him. She seeks appreciation and respect of her needs.
If a guy comes off as being unusual, too casual, too into himself, too introverted or extroverted – it might be a turn-off. A person should also be cognizant of how they speak and how they appear. If you’re too into your business, too into politics, into food – that might turn people away. The Rambam says it best – “The middle path is complete.”
Step 2 – Pray to Hashem for yourself and for others to get married. Pray for others and G-d will answer you for what you need.
Step 3 – Know it’s a mitzvah to get married. Some people push off getting married. They say I’m busy today. Just like one can’t push off putting on their Tefillin or lighting Shabbat candles – so the same a applies here. It is a Mitzvah – al tachmitzena / don’t let it become “leavened”. Take the attitude that I have to put my effort in getting married today.
4 – Spend 5 minutes a day making calls to find the right person. You could contact friends with similar values. Orthodox Rabbis of communities. Match-makers. I prefer contacting Rabbis, because they can tell you if someone in their community may be compatible.
5 – Call rabbis of communities and prepare to send resumes. Let’s say one is a Hungarian Jew and wants to marry a Hungarian Jew – get a list of all the orthodox Jewish Hungarian congregations and call the rabbis to ask them for leads. If you are looking for a Yeshiva boy or a seminary girl – call up the yeshivas or Torah seminaries. Ask rabbis or contacts if Perhaps someone in their congregation might be right for you. Ask when you can call them back to follow up. Prepare to send him a “Dating Resume”. After speaking with him – send him a resume.
6 – Due Diligence – Find out as much as you can about them before you go out – Call references, rabbis and friends. Ask references for references. Ask pointed questions. Do they have anger, emotional or psychological issues? What is there general mood. How would you rate them in terms of Torah learning on a scale of 1 to 10? Do they have a kind heart. Do they have good character traits? In each ask – can you provide an example?
Once you do find a prospective mate that fits your comfort zone – reach out to an intermediary – like a community rabbi – that can serve as the “go between” between you and the person. I prefer this intermediary to be a Rabbi or a person with daat Torah / the Torah perspective because they can judge what is proper reasons for continuing or stopping.
Rabbis recommend that 2 dates is the minimum – if there is not something seriously wrong with the person or the first date. At times a person is nervous on a first date – so it might not be completely accurate to judge them with only one date.
The idea of a date is to talk and get to know the person. No physical contact till after marriage. Physical contact clouds the mind of a person and makes it much more difficult for a person to make a non-biased decision. The decision who you marry should be more of a rational decision than an emotional one.
The first two dates are to find out the other person’s hashkafa / philosophy in life. If a person is talking excessively about the stock market, shopping, Torah, business, making money – you know where their mind is. also you can see if the conversation goes smoothly or not. Do you feel comfortable together. You also want to find out their values – do they want to have kids? Are they interested in learning Torah? Are they willing to grow. There are many questions – but you basically want to find out if this person will be a person that you feel comfortable raising your children in the good & just path of the Torah.